House of the Gods

Session 2: The Cave of Goblinoid Usurpation

The Enemy of My Enemy is My Independent Contractor

(as told by Yeemik, extra supreme leader of all goblins and super trustworthy paladin)

Yeemik thinks adventurers very useful! Stupid, but useful!

Bunch of stupid adventurers come leaping all angry-like into goblin den on poker night (and Yeemik leading in poking, too!), complaining about fellow super-intelligent goblins trying to drown stupid adventurers with dam releases flooding tunnel (ha ha—Yeemik wishes could have seen looks on faces when adventurers all washed out!). Too bad river not wash them very far—but soaking wet adventurers still funny to laugh at.

Anyway, stupid adventurers start smashing goblins, saying stupid adventurer things, but then very brave and very smart Yeemik threaten to kill Klarg’s prized prisoner, stupid goblin-sticking hunter from village Klarg keeps yapping about burning. Adventurers bow in awe to Yeemik’s power and agree to get rid of stupid Klarg for Yeemik. Stupid Klarg was always like, “Stupid goblins obey me blah blah blah!”. Stupid, stupid Klarg. Yeemik hate obeying! Yeemik better suited for giving orders!

Well, Yeemik think adventurers look likely to finish Klarg given lesser goblins already smooshed into pasty mess. And stupid adventurers agree Yeemik very trustworthy holder of prisoner they looking for after Yeemik convince them he paladin just like them. Stupid adventurers so stupid! Ha!

So adventurers run off to find missing companion (who turns out almost eaten by Neerf and Hogl after she chase stinky Pthar from bridge)(stinky Pthar such idiot—should have farted in adventurer’s direction! Then Pthar could at least have had snack before other adventurers find him!)(Oh well, less goblins means more treasure for all-powerful Yeemik!).

After stupid adventurers find near-dead companion, they grow stupider and run off to wolf den to hide like stupid scaredy-tail kobolds, risking Yeemik’s life if Klarg smart enough to figure out Yeemik’s plan. Luckily, Klarg not smart like Yeemik.

But stupid adventurers still stupid! What point of tricking adventurers to kill Klarg if adventurers just run off to sleep? Is no nap time in Yeemik’s plan! Very annoying! Lazy adventurers not deserve gift of Yeemik!

Well, Yeemik help anyway, but only because stupid Klarg more annoying than adventurers. Yeemik tell Klarg adventurers run off to hills—all part of master plan so Klarg not suspect death just below! Is very tricky, Yeemik. Is smart! Then stupid adventurers finally remember plan and sneak into Klarg’s room to make much smashing of Klarg. Hooray for Klarg death! Goblins cheer from hidey holes!

Unfortunately, stupid adventurers also find Klarg’s treasure, stash which should be Yeemik’s as new supreme goblin leader. Yet another reason Yeemik hate stupid adventurers…even if sometimes useful.

Well, because Yeemik not want prisoner, he hand prisoner to adventurers, but only after making adventurers bow and scrape before Yeemik and promise never trouble goblins again. Ha! Adventurers know powerful goblin when they see! Then stupid adventurers leave to go look at farm goblins burn down other night, blah blah blah, adventurer stuff. Who cares. Just stupid adventurers doing stupid adventurer stuff.

Yeemik adventures just begun, though. Am leading goblins east where stupid bone lady with stupid bone lady hat cannot find. No smart goblin want to see bone lady when she come poking about to see why Klarg no doing what she asked. Bone lady stupid scary, and even all-powerful Yeemik know better than to mess with her.

..although, if Yeemik ever find where bone lady sleeping, maybe trick new adventurers into smashing flat! So easy to trick! But this time, Yeemik get all treasure and be richest supreme goblin leader ever!


That’s more or less how I remember it. More. Or less.


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